Oh My God, They Killed Kira!
by GavsEvans123
Summary: Eric Cartman becomes Kira. May the Super Best Friends help us all.
1. Chapter 1

**Oh My God, They Killed Kira!**

**Chapter 1: Apples**

The arid wasteland of the Shinigami Realm stretched ahead for miles on end. The lack of a sun was likely a blessing in disguise, as sunlight would make more of the deadlands visible. However, Ryuk didn't care about any of that. It was lunchtime. Lunch meant an apple from the stash Ryuk had brought back from his last stay in the human world.

"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples. Loo loo loo, you've got some too." Ryuk hummed to himself as he went to fetch his apple. He was in for a surprise.

"Let's all get together and… Wha! My apples! They're gone!" Ryuk checked again, in case he'd missed an apple. He hadn't.

"Siddoh! Have you seen my apples!" Ryuk shouted to his fellow Shinigami.

"What's that? You'll have to get your head out of your ass if you want me to understand you." Siddoh smirked to himself, then took a bite out of a chocolate bar. He'd had a similar idea to Ryuk.

"It's not my fault, it's the withdrawal symptoms!" Ryuk snapped.

"I don't eat apples, and nobody else knew about your stash. You must have eaten them all." Siddoh went away, leaving Ryuk to his predicament.

"No more apples! I can't go back to eating crappy Shinigami apples. They taste terrible! I'll be missing out on so much…" Ryuk stopped his panicking. "Perfect. If I drop my Death Note, I can go to the Human world to get more apples. But I don't want to go to Japan again. I'll go somewhere else…"

00000

Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny were at Stark's Pond, discussing the latest visitors to the town of South Park.

"Damn hippies!" Cartman sulked. "I hate them so much, I want to kick them in the nuts!"

"You should get used to it, Cartman. The hippies will keep coming back, whether you like it or not." Kyle said.

"Mmmhhrpffh." Kenny added. "Mmmbbrrrmpph."

"You guys would want me to put up with the hippies, wouldn't you? Kenny isn't the poorest kid in town while they're around, and Kyle sees how others live without souls."

"Whoa, dude! Not cool!" Stan gasped.

"Why do you have to keep belittling me, fatass?" Kyle asked angrily.

"Yeah!" Kenny mumbled.

"Let's go somewhere else. Maybe Butters can play with us?" Kyle suggested, and he, along with Stan and Kenny, left.

"Don't be such pussies, you guys!" Cartman shouted to them. Kyle flipped him off as he left, infuriating Cartman.

"Damn it, Kyle! As soon as I find a way of giving you Super AIDS, I am doing just that! I am sick of your Jew ass!"

As Cartman ranted and raved, a small black book fell on his head, and dropped into the snow. Cartman picked up the book and read the cover.

"The person whose name is written in this notebook will die." Cartman gripped the book in a stunned silence.

"Oh my God. I have been selected to rid the world of the hippie plague once and for all! Once I've done that, Kyle will be next! Ha ha ha ha hahahahhahahahah!

"Careful there, tubby. I remember what happened to the last person who thought they had been chosen by this book." A voice spoke to Cartman.

"Oh Kyle." Cartman said in a patronising manner. "Are trying to scare me out of using this super awesome book to give you Super AIDS?"

"No. I would like it very much if you used the book. By the way, my name's not Kyle, it's Ryuk." The voice's owner rose out of the lake water. "Aren't you scared, kid?" Ryuk sighed. "People are usually frightened by my appearance."

"I see worse when I close my eyes. Why are you here?" Cartman asked.

"I am the owner of that notebook." Ryuk answered. "You can use it as long as you get me some apples. How do you fancy creating a new world in your image?"

"That would kick ass!" Cartman said. "I will be the God of my New World!"

Ryuk cleared his throat loudly. Cartman looked at him.

"What? You can be Vice President or something."


	2. Stupidity

**Chapter 2: Stupidity**

"Mom, I'm home. Now get me some Cheesy Poofs!" Cartman shouted to his mother.

"All right, hon."

"I've got an Invisible God of Death with me, and together, we're going to create a new world in my image."

"That's nice, hon."

Cartman sat on the sofa, watching television and gorging himself on Cheesy Poofs, as Ryuk flew into the living room.

"You're much more relaxed about this than the last guy I was with. Maybe you should plan how you're going to operate?" Ryuk suggested.

"Not now. Terrance and Phillip is on." Cartman yawned, as the two Canadian entertainers did their usual routine.

"Say, Terrance, I had Mexican food for lunch today."

"That sounds delicious, Phillip."

"It was, but now I've got gas!" PHAAART! Phillip farted loudly, as Cartman started to laugh riotously. Ryuk looked on with a puzzled expression on his face.

"This is meant to be funny? I guess I don't get it." PHAAART! Terrance farted in response. Cartman fell off the sofa with tears of laughter in his eyes. The show's style of humour must have grown on Ryuk, as he laughed too this time. "Stop laughing! You're making me laugh!"

The televised duo stopped farting for a moment.

"You know Phillip, I heard that Scott the Dick bought a new car yesterday."

"He did?" Phillip gasped. "Since he's a dick, and I have gas, I'm going to…"

The programme stopped abruptly, as an announcer blared.

"We interrupt this programme for some breaking news!"

"What happens next?" Ryuk asked. "I CAN'T HANDLE THE SUSPENSE!"

"Hippies have gone to the Town Hall in an attempt at persuading the Mayor to legalise Marijuana. Here to bring you this story is a handicapped kid with a speech impediment."

The scene on the television changed to show the Town Hall, where the reporter was conducting interviews.

"I'm Jimmy Vulmer, and I prefer handicapable, very much. Here I am with the M..M..Mayor and an Aging Liberal Hippie D..d..d..douche. Mr Douche, how do you feel about this i.. i.. issue?"

"I feel that people should be allowed to express themselves however they like. We hippies choose to do so by getting stoned."

"Your response, Mayor?"

The Mayor took a minute to clear her throat.

"Hippies ate my baby! They were stoned and thought my baby was a Brownie! I still cry myself to sleep." The Mayor broke down in tears, as Jimmy started to comfort her. Cartman reached for his Death Note.

"The time has come, Ryuk. We're moving into a brave new world!" Cartman wrote the word Hippies in the Death Note and waited forty seconds. Nothing happened.

"What? Why is Aging Liberal Hippie Douche still alive?"

"The Death Note doesn't work like that, kid." Ryuk said. "You have to write the name of an individual."

"Exactly!" Cartman snapped. "Hippies are not an individual! They have a single hive mind!"

Ryuk sighed. "I can't believe how bigoted you are. You make Mikami look sane."

"Who's Mikami?"

"Oh, nobody."

"Since I couldn't kill the hippies, I'll try someone else. You may have survived AIDS Kyle, but let's see how you handle Super AIDS! HAHAHAHAHA!"

00000

"Settle down, now class!" Mr Garrison ordered. "Have any of you seen Kyle?"

"No Mr Garrison. He wasn't at the bus stop this morning." Stan replied. "Come to think of it, I didn't see him yesterday either."

Cartman started to chuckle. "Yes. Yes!"

"Ok then. Kids, could you hand in your essays on who would win if Charizard fought the Blue Eyes White Dragon?" As Mr Garrison went around the class collecting homework, Kyle's mother Sheila entered the classroom, accompanied by her son. Cartman's face fell.

"I'm sorry Kyle was late today, Mr Garrison. He had a dentist's appointment for toothache, and that's also why he was off school yesterday. Bye now, bubbie!"

Kyle went to sit at his desk, and Ryuk whispered in Cartman's ear.

"You have to write their full name, dumbass."

"YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH! I AM SICK OF YOU HOVERING OVER MY SHOULDER BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS! CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A RETARD?"

The class was speechless for several minutes before Kyle broke the silence.

"Who are you shouting at, Cartman?"

"Eric, perhaps you should visit the school counsellor, and have him prescribe you some medication, because shouting at invisible demons isn't considered normal behaviour." Mr Garrison said, before adding "Then again, it is you Eric, you've done some pretty crazy things, so I really don't know anymore."


	3. Rejection

**Chapter 3: Rejection**

Cartman was pacing around his room that night. He was fuming over how Ryuk had let him down.

"I'm disappointed with you, Ryuk. I thought that this book could kill Kyle and the hippies, but instead you did not explain how to use the book properly, and took advantage of me for some cheap laughs. You made me look a fool, so I have decided to take drastic measures. I am going to sell the Death Note for money to buy the new Okawa Gamesphere model."

"I don't care. I got what I came for." Ryuk said, biting into an apple from a large carrier bag.

"If I give the book to someone else, you'll be at their command. They won't pay for the book just to get rid of it." Cartman said.

Ryuk narrowed his eyes slightly.

"Remind me to put pressure on the next Kira to kill you."

00000

Cartman stood at the corner of the playground the next day, trying to offer the Death Note to anyone who happened to be passing.

"Hey, Butters! Get your ass over here!"

"Hi, Eric!" Butters went to speak to Cartman. "What is it?"

"I've got something really cool to show you." Cartman showed Butters the notebook.

"If you write someone's name in this book, they die." Cartman explained.

"Wow, I… I mean Professor Chaos could cause so much evil with this book!" Butters cackled menacingly.

"So you want it? It only costs $1000." Cartman said.

"Sorry Eric, I better not. If my parents found out I had a supernatural instrument of death, I'd be grounded for sure." Butters turned down the book and walked away. Cartman was not to be stopped, as someone far richer than Butters was next.

"Token, look at this."

"What is it now, Cartman?" Token sighed.

"Have you ever felt like killing someone, Token?" Cartman asked.

"No, I can't say I have." Cartman ignored Token and went on with his sales pitch regardless.

"Well now you can! With this Death Note, you can murder people, and not worry about racial profiling cutting your life of crime short!"

"No. Your casual racism makes me want to have nothing to do with you." Token turned to leave.

"I'm not looking at the Death Note, Token." Cartman said. "If you wanted to, you could steal it right now. It would make good practice for your new life as a serial criminal." Cartman was rewarded for his remarks with a sharply aimed kick to the groin from a very angry Token.

00000

Once Cartman had stopped crying, it was back to selling the Death Note.

"Tweek!"

"_Gah!"_

"Do I have a once in a lifetime opportunity for you, my caffeine addicted acquaintance! This Death Note can be yours, yes, YOURS, for ten weekly payments of $100! Don't miss your chance to own this item!"

Cartman tossed Tweek the Death Note.

"_This is way too much pressure!" _Tweek screeched while he was occupied with catching the Death Note. When he looked up, a horrific looking demon that had not been visible a few moments ago had materialised.

"Hi there." Ryuk waved.

"_Jesus Christ!" _Tweek leapt several feet into the air, threw the Death Note to the ground, and ran for his life.

"I guess nobody else here has any interest in a notebook that can kill." Ryuk said. "Perhaps you should tell your next customer it's something else."

"Great idea, Ryuk!" Cartman exclaimed. "I know just how to get rid of it. Kenny!"

"hm?"

"Are you sick of eating pop tarts?"

"Yeah."

"I found this old World War II ration book in Pip's locker from Show and Tell last week. I'll trade it to you for the deed to your house." Cartman offered.

"hm hm mrrrrph crbr bfr." Kenny said, causing Cartman to burst out in laughter.

"Cardboard box fort? You're so funny, Kenny!"

Kenny punched Cartman in the face, took the Death Note, and left, with Ryuk following from a distance.


	4. Potential

**Chapter 4: Potential**

Once school had finished, Kenny ran to the corner shop to put his new ration book to use. Ryuk was barely able to keep up.

"Hi there, little fella. Can I help you?" The cashier asked.

"Hmph. Hm hmph hm hm bm." Kenny said, and handed the cashier the Death Note. He started to flick through the book.

"Raye Penber? Naomi Misora?" The cashier muttered to himself before handing the book back. "Sorry, kid. We don't sell any of those products. In fact, I had a cousin called Raye Penber. He died a few years- AAAAAARRRGGHHH!"

The cashier reached under the counter for the shop's anti-burglary pistol and shot himself in the head with it. Kenny was covered in blood, but he was still alive.

"hm ha hihif" he said as he turned to leave, only to find Ryuk directly in front of him.

"That reminded me of another time I appeared to a guy with a gun. Good times!" Ryuk laughed. "I'm Ryuk, and that Death Note is mine. Since I'm a generous guy, I lend it to those humans I feel would benefit from its use."

"Death Note?" Kenny repeated.

"What's that? You're going to have to take the hood off if you want me to understand you." Ryuk said.

"m I nmr tay m hm m." Kenny mumbled.

"Confidence issues, eh? Would the ruler of the world go around with his head under a hood?" Ryuk asked. "This is your chance to make others feel your pain."

Kenny was intrigued. He took off his hood. "What do you mean?"

"I have Satan as a friend on Facebook." Ryuk explained. "He says you're quite the regular. Thanks to your parents, you're trapped in an endless cycle of death and rebirth. People never acknowledge your death. They might notice that you keep getting into life threatening situations, but nobody ever says, 'Hey Kenny, didn't the Crab People cut your head off last Wednesday? What's the deal with that?'"

"You're absolutely right." Kenny said. "Why doesn't somebody else die for once? Someone who would deserve such a fate?"

"That's the spirit!" Ryuk shouted encouragingly. "Incidentally, I'd been watching over you as a potential Kira, but you left early on the day I dropped the Death Note and that fat kid found it."

"You mean Cartman. He's too much of a petty racist to truly appreciate what something like this could offer. I'll deal with him in due time. First, I've got some cleaning up to do."

00000

"I'd like to speak to Sergeant Yates, please."

"AH, HI THERE MYSTERION!" Officer Barbrady greeted him. "SERGEANT YATES ISN'T HERE RIGHT NOW, SO PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP." An awkward silence ensued.

"Can't I just come back later?" Mysterion asked after several minutes.

"THE BEEP WILL COME SOON, SIR!" Officer Barbrady assured Mysterion. Several more minutes of silence followed.

"BEEP!" Officer Barbrady said, after what felt like an eternity.

"Could I access the police case files, please?" Mysterion asked.

"OF COURSE! COME THIS WAY!"

Upon reaching the room where the case files were kept, Kenny got the Death Note out of his backpack.

"What are you doing?" Ryuk asked.

"My super hero alter ego Mysterion can get information from the police, so I'm using it to gain access to the records, where I can access data on criminals and write their names in the notebook." Kenny explained.

"I like your style." Ryuk applauded as Kenny looked through the case files. He soon found a promising candidate.

"ChickenLover. I remember him. He will do admirably."

"Humans are so interesting!" Ryuk cackled, before adding, "Provided they're as driven as you. Someone like Cartman's no good."

Kenny got a pen ready and started to write.


	5. Comfort

**Chapter 5: Comfort**

"Welcome, gentlemen. I'm glad you could all come to my meeting." Loogie sat at the head of the table. He brushed off the creases in his suit and did his best to cover up the spaghetti stains before addressing his cohorts.

"As you may know, several of South Park's criminals have been killed recently. These previously healthy individuals have been dying of unexplained heart attacks. What does this have to do with us, I hear you ask?" Loogie paused as one of the people around the table had put their hand up.

"None of us said anything, sir."

"It's a figure of speech, Thompson." Loogie sighed. "Anyway, as I was saying, the deaths of our competitors will make things easier for us as we will have less… Thompson?"

Thompson was foaming at the mouth, spasming as he tried to pull at his shirt, before falling out of his chair.

"Help… me…" Thompson was able to weakly force the words out of his mouth before the heart attack killed him. Loogie addressed the remaining men.

"Perhaps we should forget about the meeting and go put our affairs in order. I get the feeling we won't live to see tomorrow morning."

00000

Kenny was asleep in his room. Given his dual identities as Mysterion and Kira, he wasn't getting much sleep at night. Instead, he found himself taking short naps whenever he could. On this occasion, he was woken by the sound of crying. His sister Karen ran into the room in floods of tears.

"What's wrong?" Kenny asked.

"Mysterion's gone bad!" Karen sobbed. "The television said bad people are dying and they think maybe Mysterion's doing it."

"Hey now." Kenny hugged Karen to try and calm her down. "Maybe it's not Mysterion doing it. They don't know for sure yet."

"But Mysterion knows who I am! What if he's going to kill me?" Karen cried even harder.

"Mysterion wouldn't dream of killing you, Karen. After all, he is your guardian angel, and he would never do anything to hurt you. I know that for a fact."

Kenny let Karen wipe her tears on his sleeve. "Besides, if Mysterion is killing people, it's only bad people. You're a good girl, and if bad people are dying, it makes South Park a safer place to live for good people like you." Karen stopped crying.

"Thanks, Kenny. You always know how to make me feel better." Kenny breathed a sigh of relief as Karen turned to leave. As she left, Karen asked a question Kenny did not expect to hear.

"Are you cold now since you don't cover up your head anymore?"

00000

Over at the Marsh household, Stan was watching the news with his father and grandfather.

"Kira strikes again!" The newscaster reported. "Rumours suggest that the killer, who refers to himself as Kira, can kill people without needing to be near them. It is believed that he kills by acquiring the name and face of a person, but what happens then is unclear. Since the victims thus far have all been criminals, the suspects for Kira include anyone with access to criminal records, including the town's superheroes such as Mysterion or the Coon. Nevertheless, it is recommended that people remain vigilant if they see any suspicious behaviour and report it to the police."

The news report ended, and Stan covered his ears. He knew what was going to happen next.

"AAAAARRRGGGHHH!"

"Randy! What's wrong?" Sharon ran into the room to see what had made Randy overreact this week.

"Supernatural serial killers who don't need to be near anyone to kill them!"

Before Sharon could do anything, Randy thrust the phone book at her.

"Phone everyone in town and tell them to disguise themselves! I'm going to the attic to get our Halloween costumes!"

"D'you hear that, Billy?" Grandpa said. "This Kira pecker kills criminals. I'm off to raise some hell!"

Stan looked around as his family worked themselves up into a frenzy. He shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."

00000

"Hello, South Park Police Station. Do you have any information on suspicious behaviour for the Kira inquiry?"

"_Gah! Too much pressure!"_


	6. Investigation

**Chapter 6: Investigation**

"OK class, I am now going to do the register." Mr Garrison announced. "However, due to safety precautions over this Kira business, everyone is required to wear Chewbacca costumes, including myself. Therefore, we will communicate with Wookie calls. Grr!"

"Grr!"

"Grr!"

"Grr!"

"Grr!"

"Grr!"

"Grr!"

"Timmy!"

00000

"Herro, wercome to Shidy Wok, may I take your order, preesh?"

"Hey, Japanese Billy! I'd like some City Beef, some City Chicken, and the contents of your cash register!" Grandpa Marsh said, as he aimed a shotgun at Mr Lu Kim.

"How dare you shay I come from a Japan! I am proud man of Korea! Get out!"

"Listen here, you little pecker, I want my food dammit!"

"Go back to Country Kitchen Buffet where you berong! Maybe dere you can rearn to be more porite!"

"Screw politeness, I'm a senior!"

00000

Meanwhile, back at the plot, Mr Tweak had taken his son to the police station to tell them what he knew.

"_Eric Cartman was pressuring me into buying a book he said could kill people, then when he threw it to me… Oh God!"_

"What happened son?" Mr Tweak prompted.

"_A demon appeared from nowhere!"_

"Interesting." Sergeant Yates said. "We can assume Kira is using this book to kill people, but the next step will be to figure out who or what this demon is, and how it fits in to the picture. What do you think, Barbrady?"

"I NOW KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY EX-WIFE! WERE I TO ACQUIRE THE BOOK, I COULD USE IT TO KILL EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER WRONGED ME! DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Barbrady, you're talking aloud about your desire to kill your ex-wife again."

"OH. SORRY ABOUT THAT!"

"Do you have any ideas what we could do next, Tweek?" Sergeant Yates asked.

"_Gah!"_

"Calm down, Tweek. There's no pressure on you to get this right. Just try your best."

"_What? So, you mean… no…_ pressure?"

"None at all."

"I've never been this relaxed when people are paying attention to me before." Tweek giggled. "Anyway, maybe it would be an idea to find a harmless criminal, someone who's so small time, even Kira would consider killing them a waste of time, then getting them to act as an informant for us."

"You know what, that's actually a great idea, kid!" Yates shook Tweek's hand vigorously. "Barbrady, find South Park's worst criminal and get them on our side!"

"YOUR UPPANCE SHALL COME SOON, MY EX-WIFE! SOON, I SAY!"

"Barbrady!"

"WAS I DOING THAT THING I DO AGAIN?"

"Yes, yes you were. Maybe you should consider seeing a therapist."

"Good job, Tweek." Mr Tweak congratulated his son. "Let's hope you're on to something here, otherwise you'll be arrested for wasting police time and sent to prison, where the inmates will use you as a crude form of currency and have their way with you sexually."

"_Oh my Christ!"_

00000

"Stan, Kyle, thank you for coming." Kenny said. "Would you like a pop tart?"

"Yes please." Both replied.

"You wouldn't be saying that if you ate pop tarts as often as I do." Kenny added. "To business. I am Kira."

"What? Why would you do such a thing?" Stan asked.

"Is this why you're not wearing the hood anymore?" Kyle added.

"To answer your questions, it's because I'm sick of dying painfully before coming back the next day and not having anyone acknowledge that the Crab People beheaded me the previous afternoon, so I want to be the one doing the killing for once, and yes."

"What would Karen think about this? She looks up to you, dude." Kyle said.

"She's fine with it." Kenny replied. "I just had to explain it to her in a way that she'd be able to understand what I was doing. I'm making a better world for us, and I want to be able to do that for as long as possible."

"What are you getting at?" Stan said.

"My access to police records is becoming increasingly limited. I don't want to force my access, else I'll look suspicious. Ryuk here has the solution."

"Who's Ryuk?"

"He's right here, next to… Wait, you haven't touched the notebook have you? I'll get you acquainted." At that, Kenny got up and pushed the book at Stan and Kyle.

"It's been a while." Ryuk stretched before tucking into an apple flavoured pop tart.

"Sorry about the pop tarts, that's the best I can do." Kenny said.

"Don't mention it. As Light…"

"Kenny."

"I mean, Kenny was saying, he wants to stick around a while. My Shinigami Eyes will allow him to see people's names above their heads, at the cost of half his life. He isn't willing to pay that, so you're doing it for him."

"What?" Kyle gasped.

"No way!" Stan shouted

"I thought you would say that. I am familiar with both your families. If you refuse, then I guess I could bend my rules a little bit, if you know what I mean."

"Grandpa would thank you for it." Stan said.

"Which is why I was planning on sparing him. It would be just the two of you together. "Hey Billy, why am I being made to live for so long? Shoot me like a man, you pussy! Just make sure to aim for somewhere non-fatal so that I can die naturally of blood loss!" That sounds like a barrel of fun, don't you think?"

Kyle sighed. "It looks like we don't have much of a choice. We'll…"

The phone rang. Kenny went to answer the phone.

"Billy, is that you?"

"It's for you, Stan."

"Kira says he's not going to kill you Grandpa."

"God damn these supernatural serial killers with their warped sense of morality! All I want is to die naturally of a heart attack brought on by an external force! Is that too much to ask?"

Stan put the phone down on his grandfather's inane rambling.

"It's a shame that the atmosphere was ruined." Kenny muttered. "Ready, Ryuk?"

"Am I ever!"


	7. Revenge

**Chapter 7: Revenge**

The Legion of Doom's South Park branch was all but empty nowadays. The only two villains remaining were Professor Chaos and General Disarray.

"Well, General Disarray, we are the only villains left. It's awfully lonely here." Professor Chaos lamented.

"Look on the bright side. We can rule over everything with no competition from other villains." General Disarray pointed out.

"Well, yes, but all the superheroes would fight us. We can't beat Mysterion or the Coon as it is, so perhaps we should give up. If we ask nicely, we might even get to join the Coon and Friends!"

"You know, Butters, I don't want to play supervillain any more if you're just going to give up. I have to go home now for dinner anyway." General Disarray took off his foil costume and left.

"That's a shame about General Disarray leaving me. Perhaps I'll get a new…"

Professor Chaos was interrupted when the doorbell rang.

"Are you Professor Chaos?" Sergeant Yates asked.

"Yes, but you are too late to arrest me, officer, for I have given up my life of crime."

"That's not why I'm here, professor. South Park's criminal underworld is being destroyed by a serial killer called Kira."

"Aha! My first act as a superhero will be to apprehend this despicable criminal! I will first seek the forgiveness and aid of Mysterion, for I shall now be known as Professor Chaos, Defender of Order! Wish me luck, Commissioner Gordon!"

Professor Chaos, Defender of Order left the Legion of Doom as Yates shouted after him, "The name's Sergeant Yates!"

00000

"Mysterion, I have tracked you down to your rooftop lair, where I will aid you in your quest to vanquish the evil that is Kira, for I am Professor Chaos, Defender of Order!"

Mysterion sighed.

"What is it? I have very important things to do, and I can't stay in one place when I'm working."

"Are you trying to stop Kira too? We could team up! He wouldn't stand a…"

"Mysterion! There you are!" Someone else cut across.

"Why, hi there, Coon! I was just telling Mysterion about how I have reformed and was offering…"

"Shut up, Butters!" Mysterion and the Coon shouted together.

"Mysterion, I want the Death Note. I know that you have it." The Coon said.

"I would never give it to you." Mysterion replied. "I have far grander plans for it than you could possibly comprehend. I'm far more ambitious than to just eliminate my pet hates."

"After you took over as Kira, I did some research into the previous Kira incident. I have now realised what I need to do. I must stop you so that I can become Kira myself, and do it properly this time. Injustice will not escape the claws of the Coon!" Cartman shouted before leaping towards Mysterion.

"Butters, fight him." Mysterion ordered.

"The Coon is a fellow superhero. I can't…"

"Fight him or I fight you."

Professor Chaos reluctantly fought the Coon as Mysterion watched. Hopefully these two hindrances will take each other out. Suddenly, Ryuk nudged Mysterion as if to get his attention.

"What are you waiting for? Use the Death Note!" Ryuk said.

Mysterion hastily wrote Cartman's name in the notebook. The Coon stood over Professor Chaos, ready to deal the final blow.

"Any last words before I send you back to prison where you belong, Chaos?"

"Oh geez, I surrender! I'm fighting for justice now!" Butters whimpered as a moist sensation darkened his trousers. Naturally, Cartman found this hilarious.

"Oh my God! Gross! Kenny, Butters just wet himself! Hahahahahaha!"

Cartman's laughing became more laboured, as he started clutching his chest. Cartman was struggling to balance, laughing as he was, and tumbled from the roof. His forty seconds were up. Butters got up in a stunned silence. Eventually, he spoke.

"I don't believe it. I WON! Chaos is triumphant! Bwahahaha! Soon the world will tremble in fear, for Professor Chaos has returned, more powerful than ever!"

"Who sent you?" Mysterion asked.

"I came here when the police asked me to help them find Kira."

"I will say this only once. Stay out of my way. The Kira Unit will die. You should too, but you helped me deal with Cartman, so I'm sparing you. If I hear from you again, I will not hesitate to kill you. I don't want to see you again, Chaos." Mysterion said.

"Why, that's awfully nice of you, Mysterion. If I were killed, my parents would be awfully sore. They'd ground me for getting myself killed. I'll be on my way now." Professor Chaos departed to plot some more harmless villainy.

"He's rather cheerful for a villain." Ryuk commented.

"You'd have to be to live here." Kenny replied. "Now for the taskforce."

00000

"Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. We are about to catch up with Officer Thomas O'Malley, who lost his family to the notorious serial killer, the Black Death. O'Malley renewed his faith in Dad and was able to capture the Black Death and send him to the chair. Here's the video link."

The TV show cut to Death Row, where the O'Malley was ready to pull the switch.

"I hope you burn in Hell, Black Death."

"The joke's on you, pal. I'm an atheist."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Jesus cut the feed and sat awkwardly for a few moments.

"That did not go according to plan. We were meant to interview O'Malley, but I guess now isn't the best time. What can I do to fill time?"

At this point, Jesus sat bolt upright and had a glazed look in his eyes. When he spoke, his voice had changed.

"Viewers of Jesus and Pals, I am Kira."

"Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ is Kira!" One of the audience members shouted.

"No, you idiot! I am speaking through Jesus. The Kira Unit is to meet in South Park's abandoned Genetic Research Facility in two days time. I will be there in person. I expect to see you there. Others are advised to stay away if they know what's good for them."

Kira's control over Jesus ended. Jesus was now massively weakened and near death. He beckoned to the studio audience.

"Quickly, my children. Find me a cave and a boulder."


	8. Climax

**Chapter 8: Climax**

"We're here, Kira. Show yourself." Sergeant Yates said as he entered the Genetic Research Facility, accompanied by Officer Barbrady and Tweek. Professor Chaos had declined the invitation, partly due to Kira's threat and partly due to the fact that he had now returned to his villainous ways, so there was no chance that he would ever willingly help do-gooders.

"_What if it's a trap?" _Tweek panicked.

"IT CAN'T BE A TRAP!" Barbrady insisted. "IT WOULD BE AWFULLY RUDE OF KIRA TO TELL US TO COME SEE HIM, THEN KILL US ONCE WE ARRIVE!"

"Where's the doctor? Surely he's around here somewhere?"

"Don't worry about Mephisto, officers. He won't be disturbing us." Kenny chose this moment to reveal himself, accompanied by Stan, Kyle and Ryuk, the latter of whom could only be seen by Tweek.

"_Gah! The demon's back! I told you it was a trap!" _Tweek bolted out of the laboratory, leaving the others to gaze bemusedly.

"What do his parents do to him?" Sergeant Yates said to himself.

"I BELIEVE THAT HIS MOTHER CONSUMED TOO MUCH COFFEE WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIM, RESULTING IN JITTERY BEHAVIOUR FOLLOWING HIS BIRTH. SUCH HABITS MIGHT ALSO HAVE EXACERBATED POTENTIAL LEARNING DIFFICULTIES OR MENTAL DISORDERS. OF COURSE, IT DOESN'T HELP THAT HIS PARENTS INSIST ON GIVING HIM COFFEE TO CALM HIS NERVES. IF THEY HIT HIM WITH A CAT SWUNG BY THE TAIL EVERY MORNING, HE WOULDN'T BE SO MESSED UP!"

There was a long silence, which Stan eventually broke.

"What?"

Sergeant Yates cut across before Barbrady could repeat himself.

"That's not important! Where's Mephisto?"

"He's not dead, if that's what you're worried about." Kenny said.

"We brought you here because Mephisto is out of town, working on Terra Nova." Kyle added.

0000

"Dammit, Mephisto! Why did you blow our budget on a 19 assed Tyrannosaurus?"

"I apologise, Mr Spielberg. It's an old hobby of mine."

"Your hobby got us cancelled!"

0000

"Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, let us go ahead with what I brought you all here to..." Officer Barbrady raised his hand.

"What is it, Barbrady?"

"COULD YOU KILL MY EX-WIFE WITH THAT FIRST, PLEASE?"

"No."

"OH, POOPY. PRETTY PLEASE?"

Everyone in the room jumped when a loud slam was heard. Tweek had returned with backup.

"_There they are!"_ Tweek pointed at Kenny.

"Holy smokes Ned, it's Kira!" Jimbo cocked his gun.

"mmmm I'm scared." Ned did the same.

"Who are these people, Tweek? Just for that, I'll kill you first." Kenny put his pen to the book.

"_Oh Jesus!"_

"He's coming right for us!" Jimbo shouted and fired.

"mmmm Let's thin out their numbers." Ned started shooting too.

Stan and Kyle leapt to the sides as a volley of bullets blew Kenny to bits.

0000

"Oh my god, they killed Kira!" Ryuk gasped.

"This sort of thing happens a lot." Stan said.

"He'll be better next week. He's always better next week. Apart from that one time when he was really ill and he was gone for a year. Didn't he move away or something?" Kyle added.

"What about Cartman. Will he come back?" Stan asked.

"I don't know." Tweek said.

"You two really saved our hides." Sergeant Yates thanked Jimbo and Ned.

"Happy to be of service." Jimbo replied jovially.

"One more thing." Yates said. "Your friend said to thin out their numbers. There was only one Kira there, right?"

"He wasn't referring to Kira." Jimbo answered. "We're actually hunting the most dangerous game. Tell them, Ned."

"mmmman."

"How are these two hicks not in prison?" Ryuk said.

"Time forgot about them. As far as we know, they will wander the Earth forever, never aging but always remaining veterans of Vietnam. They should be in their sixties by now." Stan said.

"Which reminds me, you should be going back to the Shinigami Realm." Kyle picked up the Death Note and handed it to Ryuk.

"Goodbye, everyone who can see me. I'll be back on Earth next time I get bored." Ryuk said.

"_If he's anything like me, that'll be twenty minutes!" _Tweek said.

Everyone in the room started to laugh, stopping only when a beam of light shot into Ryuk, vapourising him and the Death Note.

"WHAT WAS THAT!" Barbrady shouted. He and Yates could not see Ryuk, so it appeared to them that the beam stopped in midair.

A mechanised suit of armour flew into the room and lowered its visor, revealing the pilot to be Jesus.

"Sorry I'm late. My followers left me in a cave near Stark's Pond after the Jesus and Pals incident. Luckily for me, there was a box of scraps inside, so I used my carpentry skills to put this together." Jesus said.

"How did you destroy Ryuk?" Kyle asked. "We were told that weapons could not kill a Shinigami, but the only thing that could was a Shinigami using the Death Note to extend the life of someone they loved."

"Bitch, I'm Jesus. I can do whatever the Heaven I want." Jesus replied.


End file.
